Hellboy and the Fraud Squad
by Jinx Author
Summary: As retaliation for sorting through Hellboy's paperwork, Kate decides Hellboy should tag along with a very familiar group of teenagers and their talking dog for a mission. Hilairty insues.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"So, what have we got today…" Hellboy asked as he walked into the latest meeting, late of course, where most of the team was already there. Thomas Manning, folders in hand, turned to their newest arrival with glaring eyes.

"Arachne high priestess and company," Liz said, raising a hand unenthusiastically. "I hate spiders," she finished, putting it down, "especially giant ones."

"Don't we all?" Abe chimed in, "I meanwhile am stuck with a lake that appears to be manifesting some sort of vengeful water ghost. Cliché?"

Kate turned to both of them, "I'd take either of those in a heartbeat. I'm stuck here sorting Red's paperwork, which by the way looks like it hasn't been organized since 1980!" This ensued a chorus of murmurs of 'yeah, she wins'.

Thomas Manning rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, the ever present contest of 'who gets the worst assignment'. The things you guys come up with…" he said, sighing. He handed Hellboy the last folder in his hand. "You, Hellboy, have a house call."

Hellboy opened up the folder to find the picture of a very large and spooky looking mansion, complete with stormy ambience surrounding it. "You were saying something about clichés Abe?" he said, holding up the picture and waving it back and forth. "Rich billionaire thinks his house is haunted, what **ever** will they come up with next? Look Manning, this is obviously a publicity stunt, can't I just go with Liz?"

Kate smiled to herself as she walked out of the room. "Oh, don't worry Hellboy, I thought the same thing too. That's why I called **them**," she called, turning the corner with a good-bye wave to all of them.

Hellboy turned back to the remaining three. "She called the freaking Fraud Squad, didn't she?" Hellboy sighed, "I hate those guys. Especially that mutant mutt thing of theirs…"

"Like, that's the **Mystery Gang** and Scooby-Doo to you," came a voice in the background, which was echoed by a "Reah, Rystery Rang and Rooby-Roo."

Hellboy sighed as he turned to see the gang of five hippy teenagers and a brown dog with black spots was entering the briefing room, complete with color-coordinated outfits from the sixties that nobody wore anymore (except for the dog, who just had a blue collar labeled 'SD').

"Crap…" Hellboy let out almost inaudibly, handing the most muscular of them, a blonde male with an orange ascot, the case file. He looked through it a minute before turning to the rest of the teens with a big grin.

"Well gang, it looks like we have a mystery on our hands! To the Mystery Machine!" he said, one finger raised in the air. The group turned around and headed out as Hellboy turned back to the three others with glaring eyes.

"Someone, shoot me," he muttered, lowering his head so it was nearly buried within his trenchcoat as he followed the teenagers and canine companion out.

* * *

Hope you guys enjoy this, trust me, there's more to come. Feedback is appreciated.

Jinx


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I own nothing. Absolute zip.

Chapter 2

And so, the intrepid and enthusiastic teenagers (complete with lovable canine companion and gigantic brooding demon), set off towards the mansion. Freddy, the blonde teen from earlier, was at the wheel of a flowery van, with the two girls sharing the front of the van. The one with glasses, Velma, held a large map, blocking her view of the road ahead, and the redhead, Daphne, was leaning lovingly on Freddy's shoulder. Freddy turned to the rear view mirror. "You guys okay back there?"

Hellboy squinted his eyes as the van hit another bump, smacking his head into the ceiling for the umpteenth time. He nodded, and sarcastically answered, "Yeah, real cozy… just groovy with me."

Of course, nobody understood the joke, especially because Hellboy wasn't heard over the loud munches of Scooby-Doo and Shaggy who were right in front of Hellboy. And packed a very large picnic lunch. Unsurprisingly, they finished in the first ten minutes of the two-hour trip.

Finally, after a long ride, involving sing-alongs, wrong turns, and lots of sarcasm that nobody understood from Hellboy, the troupe arrived at the mansion. Hellboy noticed this even before Velma lowered her giganto-map to see the creepy place, as the sky went from a cheery blue to a dark gray instantly. It was storming conveniently over the mansion. Lovely.

As the van rolled to a stop, Hellboy opened the back door to the van and stretched out, cracking his back, mumbling something about getting back Kate for this. Again, his groans and complaints were not noticed, as the others hopped out of the van and joined him.

The gang headed up to the mansion doors as another bolt of lightning stuck. Scooby let out a 'Reep!', before jumping into Shaggy's arms. As the thunder sounded, Shaggy emitted his own yelp, and jumped into Hellboy's arms. Hellboy rolled his eyes as he looked at the quivering pair in his arms.

"Will you two knock it off? I ain't got any mutant mutt treats to feed you to convince you to get in," Hellboy said, setting them down on the ground. The two continued to shiver in each other's arms, but chances were they were equally afraid of the gigantic red demon and would go inside anyway.

Freddy knocked on the door, which swung open immediately. The room was empty.

"Okay, nobody's home, let's go," Shaggy said, turning on his heel the other way.

"Reah, ret's ro," Scooby echoed, following Shaggy's lead.

There was a pair of voices with the same immediate reaction. "Oh no you don't," came the two, and before the pair of chickens new it, they were walking in place. Velma was holding onto Scooby's tale and Hellboy onto Shaggy's shoulder.

"Yeah, we gotta search this place from top to bottom. So let's split up gang!" Freddy said. He hugged Daphne a little tighter, "Me, Velma and Daphne will take the upstairs level, and Hellboy and… Hellboy?"

The answer to where Hellboy went was answered quickly, as a loud thumping came from not to far away. There was Hellboy, knocking his head against a pillar…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Your nose… led us to the kitchen," Hellboy said, lowering his eyebrows and turning back to the two. Typical. Neither of the two chuckle-heads could be serious if their lives depended on it. And if they kept it up around Hellboy, their lives just might depend on it.

"Reah, reah, reah," Scooby panted, scrambling into the kitchen. He got up on two legs and opened the refrigerator, carrying all of its contents onto the counter. Hellboy watched in amazement. The mutt really **was** a mutant.

"Like, chill, Mr. Hellboy. Let me make you a sandwich to calm your nerves," the lanky teen known as Shaggy said, heading over to the counter himself. Hellboy debated the offer a second. Considering the way those two were behaving, it was making him hungry. He nodded in approval.

"Okay, a bit of salami…" Shaggy said, unwrapping the gigantic, uncut slab of salami and placing it on the outrageously large bread. "A bit of turkey… some peanut butter… a dash of chocolate… some pickles… a hunk of cheese… some salt for flavor…"

Hellboy wrinkled his nose in disgust as Shaggy finished off the sandwich with a toothpick and an olive. Scooby salivated as he looked at the creation with big eyes.

"Y'know, on second thought, I ain't so hungry. Let pooch eat it," Hellboy said, looking around the kitchen to see if there were any signs of supernatural activity. The only thing supernatural he found was the fact that the dog ate the sandwich in two bites. To the demon's amazement, the dog opened its mouth, pointed to its tongue, and salivated.

It wanted more. How it could even stand the first sandwich was beyond Hellboy, not to mention the fact it was still hungry. The dog was a freaking bottomless pit!

"Okay, I'll just leave you two to your gorging fest," Hellboy said, "Just stay here."

And with that, Hellboy unholstered his gun and moved to the next room over: the parlor. A very clichéd parlor for a clichéd haunted house. The place was covered in spider webs, and the furniture had white sheets over it. Hellboy scanned the room. It looked like it hadn't been touched in years, and yet the kitchen looked like it had been recently used before it got there. Odd.

Then, Hellboy heard a strange noise. It sounded like… thumping, coming from the room just above. Now, **that** was worth investigating.

Hellboy ran into the foyer and raced up the stairs, the thumping getting louder and louder as he got closer to the upper room. He kicked open the door, gun pointed at whatever monstrosity could be behind the door. To his surprise he found…

"My glasses… I can't see anything without my glasses," the brunette said, fumbling on the ground for the pair of thick black glasses directly in front of her. Hellboy sighed and rolled his eyes. He put down his gun, bent down and picked up the glasses for her, and placed them on her face.

"Thanks," she gushed, fixing her glasses and standing up.

"Where'd those other two go?" Hellboy asked, looking around the mostly empty room.

"Jinkies, I don't know," Velma said, pushing back some of her brown locks. A pair of screams shattered the quietness of the upper level.

"I think that's our answer," Hellboy said, racing down the hallway towards the screams.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Hooves clapped against wooden floors, with a pair of heels clacking softer behind them. Hellboy looked back to the brunette and turtleneck clad teen, who was fairly far behind him.

"Jeez, you're slow. And who taught you how to run?" Hellboy called behind him, watching the girl run like she was afraid of having an asthma attack if she ran any faster. She was barely moving her arms, and only slightly kicking up her legs. Hellboy had to sigh, it was sort of pathetic for him to watch.

"It's hard when I'm trying not to let my glasses slide off my nose!" she protested, running up past him a little bit. In one single bound though, Hellboy was ahead again, following the shrieking of the pair of screams. The two rounded a corner, and Hellboy's run stopped to a slower jog. He looked about in confusion.

"Okay, I think we just past this way, I definitely remember that table. And that picture is the same. And…" Hellboy observed, pointing out the similarities of the new hallway. Which looked exactly like the old hallway to him. If he hadn't known any better he would've sworn this was a scrolling background that just looped over and over again.

The shrieks sounded again, and before either Hellboy or Velma could spring into action, two other teenagers came running toward them. The first was the redhead (that Liz had hit him for looking at), and the other was the muscular blonde leader (Mr. Point-Out-The-Obvious), as Hellboy called him to Abe. They didn't stop in time though, and the four of them crashed into a heap. And then frantically running from the other direction Hungry Man and Creepy Mutt, who also smashed into the dog pile, leaving all inside a tangled game of twister.

"Get offa me!" Hellboy yelled annoyed, shoving off the dog by its tail.

"Rey!" Scooby exclaimed, brushing himself off with his paws, "Ratch the rail".

"Yeah, like, how would you like it if he pulled your tail man?" Shaggy chimed in, untangling himself from the pile. Within moments, the others did the same.

"We just saw the phantom!" Freddy exclaimed, panting heavily.

"Like, so did we!" Shaggy exclaimed.

"Reah, rantom!"

"How come I didn't see any of this?" Hellboy wondered aloud. As always, he was ignored.

"Well gang, I have a plan to catch the phantom!" the blonde ascot man piped up. Hellboy just sort of raised an eyebrow, wondering how exactly that was going to work out. If it was anything like the observations the blonde had made earlier, they were in trouble. The plan was whispered among the group.

"I can't believe I'm bait," Hellboy grumbled, looking towards the constantly hungry hippy and his dog. "This bites."

"Oh Mister PHANTOM," Shaggy called loudly, only to be echoed by Scooby Doo, "Over HEE-RE!"

Hellboy stopped walking momentarily to bang his head against the wall.

That's right when the Phantom popped out. With a ghostly wail, he began chasing Scooby and Shaggy down the hallway. Out of nowhere, chase music started playing.

"That's weird…" Hellboy muttered to himself, right before chasing after the Phantom.

Our demonic hero heard a "Now!" from the blonde leader, and a large crash and bang. By the time he caught up, the phantom was caught in a big net along with the dog.

"Good work Scooby, you caught the phantom," Velma cried.

"Now it's time to unmask this phantom," Freddy said, as he pulled off the mask. In the suit was a creepy looking old man, who just grumbled as he was unmasked.

"Mr. Jenkins?!" the gang shouted in unison.

"… Who?" Hellboy asked, though the questioned was a bit delayed. How the heck did they know?

"That's right, Mr. Jenkins, the caretaker," the girl with glasses explained, "He didn't want to have the mansion torn down, so he dressed up as the phantom to scare people away. And he used speakers in the ventilation ducts to make the ghostly noises they heard."

Hellboy raised an eyebrow. When the heck did they figure this out?

"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids," Mr. Jenkins grumbled.

"And Rooby-Rooby DOOOO!" the dog howled.

By this time Hellboy was gone, a few blocks outside, trying to hitchhike a ride. A blue roadster pulled up on the road. A strawberry blonde, teenage girl patted the seat next to her.

"Uh, Hi. I'm Nancy Drew," she chirped, "Do you need a ride?"

Hellboy nodded and climbed into the passenger seat. "I'm headed anywhere but here," he said, relieved to get away from the Fraud Squad.

"Sure thing, but I hope you don't mind if we stop somewhere first. A friend of my dad's called and said he was having weird accidents at his hotel and wanted me to investigate and…. Why are you hitting your head on the dashboard?" Nancy said.

With a final thump Hellboy rested his head against the dashboard.

"Kate. Owes. Me. Big."

Authors Note:

Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend for the inspiration to finish this story. I know it's short, but Scooby Doo episodes only run 20 minutes without commercials. Oh well. Enjoy, and Happy New Year.


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